Don't Assume!

The modern world can be confusing. New mediums of communication are popping up every other day and the etiquettes of conduct have turned into a big guessing game at best.

 Is it best to text, email, 'face-book', call or twitter my news? When is it the right time to propose marriage? Do I need to write a thank-you note? What does this gift mean and do I need to send a similar priced item in return?

How many days should I wait before I respond, I don't want to seem too available?

These and many questions like it are being asked every day, because the rules of engagement aren't as clearly defined as they used to be.

On the other side people are wondering:

If he texts me instead of calls, does this mean he is not that interested?

My friends didn't comment on my news on Facebook, maybe they don't like me anymore.

I got a thank you email instead of a card; I'll scratch them of my list for the next holiday season.

It has been interesting for me to observe how many people assume that others are operating under the same rules of conduct as themselves and therefore read into the chosen avenue of communication. The drama and misunderstandings that grow out of it are phenomenal in proportion.

Here are a few real life examples:

1. A woman came to a session distressed that her boyfriend hadn't proposed yet after three years of dating. My intuitive hit was that he was waiting until he had finished school, because he felt like it was the duty of the husband to financially provide for his wife.

She was working and didn't care about that aspect of their relationship. She assumed that inside a modern relationship money matters should be equally distributed and she was astonished by my suggestion. I sent her home to discuss matters with him and to ask him what he thought about marriage and engagement. It turned out that my intuition was accurate. Both of them had assumed that the other party carried the same social outlook as themselves. The communication cleared things up and they did get engaged shortly after.

What do we learn from this?

In case of doubt, talk about it.

2. Another woman related the following situation to me.

The lack of smiley faces offended one of her very good friends during their texting and email exchanges. I must have given her a puzzled look, for she continued to explain:

"You know the  ':' + ')'."

I thought to myself:

"Oh, that is what that means, I thought I had slept through that portion of grammar class and could never quite figure out why people used these symbols after '?' or '!'."

(I apologize to anyone who didn't receive smiley faces from me! I swear I didn't know.

Please have mercy!)

So be aware that not everybody might be caught up on all the gadgets yet, before taking things personally.

3. Another person arrived at the session infuriated that her friends emailed her instead of called. She was under the impression that the new technology was destroying human relations. I can understand her point of view, yet if you look at the old days it is still a lot more efficient than smoke signals, or letters that might never make it.

 When people are busy emails or a text messages are a lot more convenient. I know that I prefer it at the end of a long day, instead of playing phone tag. Trust me, there is nothing personal behind that choice.

For your personal relationships it is smart to set up rules of conduct that make sense and feel good to all parties involved.

But remember in this day and age it is not wise to assume!